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The
Golden Rules of Parenting
© 2001 Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D.
Above and beyond all the psychobabble and developmental theory,
far more important than the latest gadget and more critical to good parenting
than any dozen books or lectures or classes, is one basic principle. Caregivers
who genuinely grasp this principle tend to raise healthy kids and find pleasure
in the process. Others who don't get it, who go through the motions without
the meaning, tend to raise angry, needy and resentful children. Call it the
golden rule of parenting:
Do unto your children as you would have others do unto
you.
Our kids are not possessions. They're not pets. They're not
servants. True, they're immature, dependent, needy and often completely irrational,
but they're not robots awaiting your command. From the moment of birth (if
not before), each child is a unique person with distinct tastes and opinions,
preferences and needs. Each and every child, regardless of intellect or skin
color or size or shape, strength or weakness, deserves our respect as much
as they need the love and limits and food and clothing and shelter that you
provide.
Perhaps you've met other adults who seem entirely self-centered.
They can only talk about themselves, never asking about your thoughts or feelings.
These people make most of us uncomfortable. Adults like to be noticed, valued
and validated.
Your kids do too.
Leave the teaching to the teachers. Most (but not all)
of the time, its less important for you to tell your kids how to do something,
than to ask them how they think it should be done.
Does this mean that your family should become a democracy? Should parents
and kids alike each get one vote in every decision? Of course not. Caregivers
must always collaborate in the process of making important decisions for children.
Your kids may not like your decision, but they are reassured when they know
that you are in charge. Kids often say that they want to make important decisions
(when to visit an absent parent, for example), but rarely have the emotional
maturity and experience necessary to do so.
Whenever possible, go ahead and ask your kids what they think.
"How would you feel if …?" is a good way to start. Let them know that you
will always take their opinions into consideration, even if you don't agree.
Do unto your children as you would have them do to you?
Yes. Expect that your kids will do as you do and not necessarily as
you say. The best guarantee that your kids will treat you with respect, will
learn to control their emotions and consider others' thoughts and feelings
is your example of the same.
How do you expect a spanking to correct a child's violence?
Why would you think that yelling will help a child control his temper? That
swearing will teach a child not to be profane? That insults will teach a child
to be respectful?
Do unto your children as has been done to you?
Are you a healthy, happy person? Will you be proud to have raised
your kids the same ways your parents raised you? If so, the answer is easy.
If not, day-to-day parenting decisions can feel like a mine
field.
Many adults who experienced serious trauma and loss as children
find that they have no perspective in these same matters as parents. Without
a healthy baseline, its easy to become extreme, to overcompensate in one direction
or another.
Adults who were neglected by their caregivers, for example,
often discover that they are emotionally suffocating their children for fear
of recreating their own experience of neglect, only then to swing to the other
extreme, apparently unable to find a healthy balance between the two. Others
who experienced extreme discipline and even abuse, often become too lenient
for fear that they will themselves become too strict or violent, only then
to become frustrated that their kids are disrespectful or out of control.
If this is your experience, you likely need the support of trusted
others who can help you find a healthy perspective on how you grew up as opposed
to how you might raise your children. Co-parents, clergy, neighbors, support
groups, pediatrician s and mental health professionals can all offer this
kind of perspective, each in differing ways.
------------------------------Parenting
Pointer -----------------------
Take time every
day to live inside your child's head, to see the world from his (or her)
eyes. Once you can put aside your grown-up stresses, turn off the phone and
the computer and let supper wait an extra fifteen minutes, the rest is easy.
Let him lead the way. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Within the
limits of safety, there are no rules except his. Join him in his play, in
his way, and you'll be a better parent for it.
Can you find a half hour of "special" play time each day? Can
you make a point to ask about school and friends, opinions and interests?
Avoid many of the frustrating "I don't know" answers by being specific. Instead
of asking, "How was school?" try, "What happened in gym class today?" or "Did
you finish the art project we talked about yesterday?"
At the least, talk about feelings: "What made you happy (sad? mad? scared?)
today?" Listen to the answers without being pushy or judgemental. Respond
to them just as you would like others to respond to your feelings. Go ahead
and share your feelings, too, always recognizing that some parts of your adult
life should only be shared with other adults. Do these things every day,
and watch the quality of your relationship grow.
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