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Children,
anxiety
and our world at war
©
2003 Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D.
By the time this article lays open on your kitchen countertop,
just another piece of newsprint amidst the clutter of breakfast dishes and
half-finished homework and mail waiting to be opened, by the time that you
settle down, coffee mug in hand, hoping to discover how to get your kids to
do their own laundry or eat their vegetables or appreciate you more, we may
be at war.
Listen to the news: The air we breath is tense with talk of
deadlines and declarations, with threats and promises broken, mistrust and
hatred. The destruction of the twin towers was an unparalleled tragedy, but
it wasn’t the match that ignited this bonfire. September eleventh was a lens
that forced us to see the reality of the world more clearly. The reality is
that our world is a very scary place.
And our children know it.
Our children are barometers of our emotions. Long before
we learn words, probably even before we’re born, we instinctively resonate
with our emotional climate. We feel our parents’ feelings the way your
hand can feel the gentle rumble of the car’s engine through the hood. This
kind of emotional resonance is an adaptive skill, one of those primitive basics
that helps to keep the species alive.
Its easy to pretend that basic emotional resonance disappears
as we mature; that words and numbers, social studies and physics and directions
to Walmart and the skill to replace a carburetor replace this primitive interpersonal
connection. But its not true. Maturity is only so many layers of social sophistication
insulating our awareness from the harsh emotional reality.
Fortunately, the infant’s raw emotional resonance is usually confined to
the artificial calm of the nursery. As she (or he) develops insulating layers
of socialization, we allow her greater and greater range, confident that she
can cope with progressively harsher realities and watching, all the while,
for signs that perhaps we’ve allowed her to go too far.
Movie ratings work this way. Your three year old is probably
only prepared to cope with the sugar-coated sing-song calm of a G-rated production.
Your ten year old has somewhat better emotional insulation (coping skills)
making PG films digestible. Some twelve year olds can walk away from R-rated
violence and sexuality unscathed while some adults continue to resonate too
closely with the pain.
More simply, consider ski slopes. Practice and skill make some
of us ready for expert runs while others never really graduate from the bunny
hill.
What happens if you put a bunny hill beginner on a double
black diamond summit? What happens if you allow your three year old to
watch an R- or an X-rated film? What happens, more generally, if a child
is faced with more than she is able to emotionally digest?
Trauma. Anxiety. Anger. Depression.
The good news is that you can usually control which mountains
your children ski and which movies they watch. There are many ways in which
you can protect them from experiences which you judge may be overwhelming
or dangerous. But can you protect them from reality? Can you insulate them
from this scary world in which we live? Should you even try?
Follow your children’s leads. Talk to each child at her
own level, listening for what she is prepared to understand and watching for
signs that she’s had enough. The moment that her attention wavers, the moment
that she changes the subject or makes a joke or becomes uncharacteristically
clingy or nervous or agitated or grumpy, stop. She’s signaling you that she’s
at her limit. To force more reality on her risks upset that you’ll see in
changes in her appetite, in her sleep, in her concentration or friendships
or learning or compliance with your authority.
“Mommy, why is there a war?”
“Daddy, will Uncle Billy ever come home again?”
“Why were all those people on t.v. dead? Was that real or pretend?”
“Are those bad men going to shoot me?”
Because there is no single answer to any of these questions
that is best for all children of all ages in all situations, you must start
by getting into your child’s head. You must determine what she’s thinking
and feeling and what she’s emotionally prepared to understand. Particularly
if a question makes you uncomfortable, start with, “What do you think, sweetie?”
Her answer will very likely give you a place to start.
“Mommy, what’s a terrorist?”
“What do you think, sweetie?”
The five year old who answers, “Well Billy told me its someone
who tears your clothes” is prepared for an entirely different answer than
the five year old who answers, “I think its like an army guy who kills people.”
You can reassure the first child with, “That Billy is so silly. No one’s going
to tear your clothes!” while the second child may be ready for, “That’s right,
sweetie. What do you know about terrorists….?”
Beware: They’re listening! Don’t pretend that your kids
don’t hear and see what’s going on. It may seem that she’s focused on her
homework, absorbed in that video game or fast asleep. Assume that she’s not.
You might think that he’s not listening, that he isn’t watching or doesn’t
understand. Assume that he is. If you don’t want your kids to see or hear
or learn something, don’t take the chance.
The news is the best example. Many nights, the world news should
be rated R. As much as you might value a quiet half hour in front of the television
catching up on global events, assume that your kids are watching. What do
you want them to know? Are you ready to talk it all through afterwards? To
explain the confusing parts and defuse the upsetting parts?
Or this newspaper. The front page is full of news of conflict
and danger. As much as we applaud a child who reads and who is interested
in current events, we have to be prepared to help them digest it. Should you
monitor what parts of the paper your five year old sees? Should you read through
the headlines out loud together with your twelve year old? Should you ask
your thirteen year old to read specific items to keep him up-to-date? Maybe
so. But do so aware of the consequences.
Childhood anxiety is increasing. More and more children
appear more and more worried and nervous, anxious and scared, and why not?
They are barometers of the emotional climate and the emotional climate is
very tense.
Childhood anxiety can appear in a hundred different forms, from
renewed fears of separation, of bedtime or of monsters in the closet, to nail
biting and hair pulling, to preoccupying worries that disrupt sleep and learning
and fun. Some forms of anxiety can be inherited in the same way that eye
color is inherited, but even with a genetic predisposition, the environment
makes it worse.
So what can we do?
1. Do what your conscience and morals and politics demand to work toward
peace and mutual respect in our world. Write or call or e-mail your political
representatives, participate on committees and exercise your right to vote.
Your genuine feeling that you do have a voice and the ways that you express
it will teach your children to do the same. By contrast, your apathy and helplessness
will only teach your children apathy and helplessness, creating a generation
of anger and depression.
2. Cope with your own fears and worries, anxiety and anger in the most mature
way possible. You must have outlets, vents with which you let off the pressure.
Best is talking to another adult (far away from prying ears), but exercise
and hobbies, reading and entertainment each can be healthy second choices
for easing the pressure. Not only will you be a healthier parent, but your
children will resonate with your calm.
3. Work with your co-parents (your kids’ other caregivers, teachers, coaches
and leaders) toward consistency. When kids get the same message in every corner
of their lives, they feel more secure.
4. Work with your co-parents to improve communication. Find better ways to
share your concerns and goals, the day’s events, the strategies that you tried,
what worked and what failed. The result will be a calmer child.
5. Monitor your children’s media exposure constantly. What television shows
are they watching? What DVDs and videos are they renting? What are they exposed
to on-line? In print? What do you approve of and what do you forbid? The time
that you invest in previewing a movie, watching a show side-by-side, establishing
parental controls on the internet and talking it through afterwards is enormously
less than the time you would otherwise spend later, helping your kids try
to cope with trauma.
6. Practice anti-anxiety techniques now so that these skills are available
later, when worries worsen. Learn deep breathing and muscle relation techniques.
Develop imagery skills and establish family routines intended to calm and
settle the whole group.
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Parenting Pointer --------------------------
For more
information about anxiety
and relaxation techniques, consider the following:
Raising Functional Families and Taming the Beast Within
available at www.healthyparent.com or from this writer at papaben@inr.net
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by E.J. Bourne (ISBN #157224223xx)
teaches many practical tricks for anxiety reduction for people of all ages.
Keys to parenting your anxious child by K. Manassis (ISBN# 0812096053)
is a sound practical guide for parenting.
The Hurried Child by D. Elkind (ISBN# 0738204412) is a classic
for parents who want to make healthier choices and raise healthier children.
Volcano in my tummy by Whitehouse and Pudney (ISBN #0865713499)
helps younger kids with anger and anxiety.
Helping your anxious child by Rapee and colleagues (ISBN #1572241918)
talks parents through the most common anxieties children face every day.
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facsimile 603.879.9070 