Parenting Apart
or
Family Transition in the Best Interests of the Children
copyright 1994-2009 Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D.
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In order to minimize the social, emotional and developmental harm children sometimes experience as a result of family transitions, I recommend that separated and divorcing parents adopt these six standards of behavior.

1. Keep the child out of the middle.

No matter how you feel toward your estranged spouse, you still have a responsibility to that person as your co-parent, and a responsibility to serve the best interests of your child. Understand that your child is struggling to maintain a positive and loving image of both parents, despite those parents' obvious dislike of one another. Every time you expose your child to your anger toward your co-parent, intentionally or by accident, you are hurting your child. Be aware of what are your adult feelings and when you express them, and what are your child's feelings. Keep them separate!

This belief applies just as strongly to practical matters between parents. Do not ask your child to deliver messages or the support check to your co-parent. Deliver them directly. Don't ask your child to decide which weekend or holiday or month he or she wishes to spend with you. If the child is old enough, ask his or her opinion, but reassure him or her that you and your co-parent will make these decisions together.

2. Expect and allow your child's strong emotions.

No matter how calm and reasonable or angry and abusive the separation process has been, expect that this family transition has evoked many varied and strong feelings in everybody involved. Your child will likely experience a wide range of feelings, including anger at you and his or her other parent, and at him- or herself, guilt, sadness, and fears related to future loss and abandonment. Your job as a parent is to help the child feel comfortable with any feeling he or she experiences, while setting limits on how  he or she acts out these feelings. For example, a child must be allowed to angry, but may need help learning what to do with this feeling.

3. Anticipate that your child feels guilty about the separation and hopes for a reunion.

Emotion defies logic and experience. Children routinely blame themselves rather than blame a parent for a painful experience, and maintain a fantasy of family reunion long after a divorce is finalized and parents have new partners. Understanding these feelings can help a child cope with the separation and can help you understand a child's motivation in many otherwise confusing circumstances.

4. Co-parents must work together to create a predictable, consistent and secure world suited to the child's needs.

In the face of a family transition, children need security.  Security can be created by assuring that some part of the world is stable and safe. It is only when a child feels secure that he or she will be able to cope with the strong feeling evoked by the family transition.

Predictability creates security. A child's advance knowledge about where he or she will be at any given time, with whom and in what activity provides security. Make a calendar suited to the child's age and ability that makes daily events and transitions among caregivers predictable.

Familiarity creates security. Help your child maintain as much familiarity as possible throughout the family transition. This may involve things as small as inclusion of familiar items from one home into a second home, or  as large as avoiding changing daycares or schools or peer groups while the family is still in transition.

Consistency creates security. Establish and maintain the same rules expectations over time in each home, avoiding the tendency to "give in" because the child has "suffered so much." Unprecedented treats, rewards, and extended privileges do not help a child adjust to the family transition, even though they may make you feel better in the short run.

Consistency between homes is equally important. Minimize the differences in rules and expectations between homes by communicating and negotiating frequently with your co-parent. Do not fall victim to a child's efforts to "split" between parents: "Come on, mom! Daddy lets me do it!"

5. Establish and maintain clear boundaries between the child's new families.

You and your child and your co-parent formerly constituted a single family. The boundaries used to be between your family and other families. Now the child belongs to two families: mom's family and dad's family. Be clear what the boundaries are between these two new families. Do these two families go out to supper together? Do both families celebrate holidays together? Do belongings go back and forth between families or stay at one or the other? Often, it is important to keep families very separate and distinct, avoiding situations which will feed into a child's fantasies of reunion.

6. Beware of your own guilt, anger and grief!

You deserve your feelings, too. Be careful where and how and with whom you share your feelings. Chances are that showing the full extent of your feelings about the family transition to your child is inappropriate and even harmful to the child. Do not fall into the trap of letting your child take care of you. Take your feelings to friends, colleagues or professional helpers, not to your children

7. Take the high road.

This is a test of your maturity: Can you put your kids' needs first, before your anger at your former partner? He or she is going to say and do things that enrage you. When you fight back, when you lower yourself to his or her level, even when you defend yourself to your child, you're putting the kids in the middle.

This is only a sample
Dr. Garber will prepare a statement specific to your child(ren)'s needs
Your signature is not required

This date

Mother (and her co-parent[s])
Anywhere, New England

Father (and his co-parent[s]}
Somewhere Else, New England

Re:    Beloved Child        (dob:    00.00.0000)


Dear Ms. Mother and Mr. Father,

I am writing in order to follow up on our brief phone contacts earlier this week. My interest here is in prescribing the terms under which I will agree to serve as Beloved’s outpatient psychotherapist.

Please read this letter through entirely, sign and return one copy directly to my attention signifying your agreement to these terms. Upon receipt of both of your agreements I will call in order to schedule the initial meeting as described below.

1. I am a New Hampshire licensed psychologist with a  special interest in helping young children and their families through conflict and transition. I am not a lawyer, physician or  state certified marital mediator. I welcome you to learn more about myself and my practice at www.healthyparent.com.

2. The conditions of my work, of confidentiality and the legal limitations and liberties associated with this work are delineated in the NEW PATIENT FORMS available at www.healthyparent.com/forms . Please print these forms out, read them thoroughly, complete them including signatures where necessary and bring these to our first meeting.

3. In general, I prefer to work with conflicted parents in Directed Co-parenting Intervention to optimize caregiving than to work directly with a child as young as Beloved. Although circumstances prohibit this type of intervention at this time, I strongly recommend that you and your co-parents commence a comparable co-parenting intervention as soon as possible.

4. My interest in serving as Beloved’s outpatient psychotherapist is in helping to meet her social and emotional needs. To this end, I will serve as her ally, not as ally to either of you. Please be aware that winning the trust and making substantive use of a psychotherapy with a child who is experiencing such significant life stress and conflict can be a difficult and time consuming process.

5. In order to maximize the potential of serving Beloved’s needs, I must ask that:

(a) Neither of you disparage this therapy to or around Beloved at any time. Your active support of this therapy as a positive and healthy environment is critical to this process. Please bring any questions or concerns about this therapy directly to me.

(b) Neither of you withdraw Beloved from this psychotherapy unilaterally. The decision to terminate this therapy must be made mutually by the two of you or at my recommendation to the court.

(c) Both of you remain in close touch with me regarding Beloved’s well-being and the progress of this psychotherapy. I prefer exchange via e-mail with copies to all parties for the sake of record keeping.

(d) Both of you authorize me in writing to openly exchange all information relevant to Beloved’s well-being with the Guardian ad litem (GAL).

6. My purpose in providing this service is to meet Beloved’s social and emotional needs, not to participate in any extant litigation. To this end, I will resist any effort to introduce this work into the legal process. Please recognize that introducing the content of this psychotherapy into litigation is very likely to compromise Beloved’s trust and to potentially do her harm.

7. I will not have an opinion regarding custody matters within the limits of safety.

8. My time in conducting psychotherapy with Beloved will be charged at XXX dollars ($XXX.00) per hour due in full at the time of service, inclusive of all time. I will ask that you negotiate any cost-sharing or insurance reimbursement independently and in advance of our meetings. Regarding insurance reimbursement, please see the appropriate page at www.healthyparent.com.

9. Should my work with Beloved be introduced into litigation in any way at any time, my time will be charged at YYY dollars ($YYY.00) per hour, inclusive of all time, specifically as a disincentive. In this instance, I may require receipt of an advance retainer equal to the anticipated charges.

10. Please be aware of the limitations of confidentiality in matters such as this: Among other reasons, concerns about safety, subpoena or court order mandates that I release information under the law.

11. I will request receipt of all relevant paperwork, including but not limited to the past therapist’s summary and/or evaluations, school and pediatrician records, the GAL’s recommendations and the relevant court documents.

12. If we are to proceed, I will request that we schedule the following meetings:

(a) An initial ninety (90) minute co-parents interview to include both of you and your respective co-parenting partners exclusively for the purpose of gathering necessary history. If you are not able or willing to meet together, I will conduct parallel meetings with each of you.

(b) Two individual meetings with Beloved in this office, accompanied by each of you on one occasion.

(c) One fifty (50) minute family observation in this office with each family unit.

(d) One co-parents follow-up meeting at which time I will summarize these preliminary observations and make recommendations about if and how we might proceed. Once again, if you are unable or unwilling to meet together, I will recommend that you mutually allow me to prepare a written summary of these observations and recommendations.

13. Any continuing service from that point forward will be subject to our mutual discussion and to any further terms or limitations that may need to be established at that time.

This is only a sample
Dr. Garber will prepare a statement specific to your child(ren)'s needs
Your signature is not required

Please don’t hesitate to reach me with questions, concerns or comments. I very much look forward to working with you to help your daughter. I am,

Respectfully,



Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D.

cc:    ptfile
        GAL